Consider these scenarios:
1. A disabled man in a wheel chair boards a bus and while trying to move to a corner, he inadvertently runs a wheel over your foot. Would you blow your top and ask him to watch where he is going ?
2. A blind man runs into you in a crowded street. Would you curse him for not being careful enough ?
3. A man hit by a vehicle, bleeding badly, writhing in pain, and lying by the roadside shouts and hurls abuses at you while you try to move his broken limb and help him. Would you dump him on the roadside and walk away ?
The conflicts that we witness or are part of in our lives aren't born in isolation. They have their roots that tap into events and experiences in lives of the people involved in the conflict. The conflict gets its nourishment from the stress, pain, guilt, and anguish of these past events. In the events I have described above the disabilities and pain are apparent and forces us to be more forgiving if not empathetic. The problem is that pain isn't always apparent even when it is excruciating.
Conflicts may arise out of simple disagreements or more serious matters but are fuelled by a suite of negative emotions that spring from past experiences. The angry words, contemptuous remarks, or threats flung at each other are nourished by stress, fear, shame, guilt or other such negative emotions that have found their ways into people's minds.
There are at least two ways in which a keen awareness of these "causes and effects" can help one manage conflicts better.
In both personal and professional relationships, it can help one become more forgiving and empathizing. An angry response from a friend or a colleague has the potential to invoke an urge to retaliate in kind. But awareness of the widespread root system of experiences and the knowledge that wounds and scars aren't always visible can help one from being sucked into any sort of emotional turbulence.
It is easy to say this, but extremely hard to practice. And yes, repeated practice is what is needed. I believe this is a skill worth learning and perfecting. If one can condition oneself to filter out the negative emotions and be keenly aware of that fact that there is a huge root system that nourishes conflict, it then opens the door to a large number of potential solutions. The end goal is not to become like Jesus or Buddha exemplifying mercifulness but to stay unaffected by the various stresses and disappointments that may visit us and to find peace and happiness in daily life.
Try this out next time when someone blows their top at you - think of that blind man who just ran into you in a crowded street. Is the blindness/disability/hurt apparent here ? Would you curse a blind man ?
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